I Dismember Mama

Father... yes son... I want to kill you........ Mother...I want to...WAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! - Jim Morrison

Mommy issues. What can I say about 'em. Anyone who's ever had a mum suffers from them to some extent. Only when you try to actually murder dear old mama, that's when you've got serious problems. And poor Albert has got serious problems.

At the start of I Dismember Mama we meet Albert (whose appearance is a cross between Richard "The Night Stalker" Ramirez and Eddie Munster). He's a young man in a mental institution who has decided it is time to fly over the cuckoo's nest and finally accomplish the unfinished task that landed him there years before. That is to murder his mother, of course. He attacks a nurse, kills an orderly and makes a break for it. His mother gets word of his escape and is taken from her mansion and into hiding (did I mention Albert's a rich little brat?). But that's too bad for mama's maid who happens to show up just as Albert is looking for the old snob. Sadist that he is, Albert torments the woman for an unsettling long time. When the deed is done, who else but little Annie shows up. Daughter of the late house maid. Oh, but Albert likes her a lot. And she grows to love Alby, too. He tells Annie that her mother fell ill and that she gave him instructions to take care of her and show her a good time while she's away, even offering to take her to Six Flags. So, the two spend the day together and get along swimmingly. There is an awkward sense of pedophilia throughout these scenes and it is only made worse when, come nightfall, Albert checks into a hotel with little Annie.

caution children: spoilers ahead

All this time there is an inept Joe Friday wannabe on the trail of Albert. And it's no help to him that Albert's mother is shacked up with some asshole who won't let her talk to the police. But, all that's just boring fluff. The real creepiness comes when Albert and Annie get "married" in a mock ceremony in the hotel suite. But then, thankfully, Albert just puts little Annie to bed and goes out looking for a hooker to consummate with. It doesn't help that Annie gets up in the middle of the night and walks in on Alby as he has just completed his whole sadistic and homicidal schtick upon the young harlot. A chase ensues and they end up in a dark and spooky mannequin warehouse (why do they always end up in those places?). And just as poor Annie is about to meet her maker at the hands of Mr. Mommy Hater, Albert lunges for her and slips out of a window plunging multiple floors to his death. Then, of-freakin-course, Joe Friday and his cavalry show up after having done zilch the whole goddam time.

I Dismember Mama is a pretty solid and dirty 70s thriller. Not for everybody, but certainly not as dirty as a flick like Last House on the Left which was made the same year. One thing the film coulda done without was the god-awful score. It's so off-putting to watch somebody get killed while car chase music straight outta Hawaii Five-0 is blaring right at ya!

So give this one a go, but only if you've resolved your mommy issues already. Don't wanna go gettin' any ideas now...

6/10

(1972) Directed by Paul Leder

Quick bit o' trivia: Little Annie was played by none other than Geri Reischl, a.k.a. the fake Jan Brady. You know, the girl who stood in as Jan when Eve Plumb flaked out on her TV family for the Brady Bunch Variety Hour.

Murder Rock

Ahhh... I love the smell of spandex, Aqua Net and sweaty ass in the morning. Yep, the 80s dance scene is alive and well again. At least when it comes to this latter-day Lucio Fulci giallo. Made on a grander budget than most of Fulci's other works.... well hell, that doesn't matter a bit because most of that budget went to hiring Keith Emerson (of Emerson Lake and Palmer fame(or ELP as we music snobs refer to 'em)) to score the picture with some of the most cheezzzey 80s dance music this side of Funky Town! So, I guess, aside from that, it's your pretty typical Fulci flick... oh but there's really no gore to be had here. So, I guess it's not your typical Fulci flick. Well anyway, here's what its about.

If you've seen movies like Fame and Flashdance then you know how competitive the world of performing arts can be. Well, this movie is a lot like that only that instead of all the trash talking and jealousy (though there is some, of course) there's someone offing the top competitors at a prestigious New York dance academy one by one. Only rather than gutting them or gouging out their eyeballs, like in any other Fulci outing, the killer chooses to just stab them slowly through the heart with a hat pin after knocking them out with chloroform. The fact that only three dancers will be picked for starring roles in a big production gives just about every young rug cutter a motive. Summon an annoying peanut-eating detective who's a ringer for Perry Mason to the case and you've got yourself a solid hour and a half of 80s Euro decadence. As a matter of course, there are red herrings and mad suspicions a plenty. And although the trip there isn't the most exciting time you'll have in a giallo, the ending does prove pretty surprising and fulfilling.

So yeah, you've got kind of a mediocre slasher here. But, if you enjoy the sights, sounds, and all the pizzazz of an 80s dance flick then I'm sure you'll totally have fun with this picture. Hey, it's not Black Swan.... heck, its no Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo either, but it's got heart and I'm sure Mr. Fulci meant well while making it (look for him in a cameo, as usual). Get out your spandex, leggings and your big chrome plated boom box playing a pink cassingle of Madonna's "Get into the Groove" before sitting down with this flick. It's a nice warm-up.

7/10

(1984) Directed by Lucio Fulci

Fact about myself: My favorite 80s dance cassingle is "Cruel Summer" by Bananarama. Idk why, but it reminds me of Italian slasher flix of the 80s... don't even ask me why b'cuz, like I said, idk.