Creatures From The Abyss

When you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.- Friedrich Nietzsche

Oh, did another movie use that Nietzsche quote already??? Sorry, my bad. It probably wasn't half as good a movie as Creatures from the Abyss was, though. I'm sure of that (I say, quietly and sarcastically, to myself).

Did you ever go into a movie, blindly, and find yourself thinking, "Boy, they sure don't make 'em like they used to back in 1984." only to find out said movie was actually made a decade later? Well, when you watch the types of flicks that I do it'll happen from time to time. It turns out that in '94 those cooky Italians were still crankin' out old-school z-grade sci-fi/horror garbage of the highest order. And always looking for a blockbuster to knockoff like a cheap Louis Vuitton handbag, the spaghetti genre gave us this little gem.

Creatures from the Abyss is to The Thing and Piranha what R.O.T.O.R. is to The Terminator and Robocop. A unintentionally funny little romp through the bowels of bad cash-in movie making. Made on a shoe-string budget, this flick gives you everything you love about bad Italian knockoffs by the fistful. You get the horrendous script, the always-laughable dubbing and all the WTF moments you could ask for.

What it's about doesn't matter too much, right? But, I'll tell ya anyway. This group of college-age kids having a good time out on the water decide to take a wee tiny little dinghy out to the middle of the ocean (dummies!). They forget their gas can on the shore (big dummies!) and, without missing a beat, run out of gas. Well, they soon stumble upon an abandoned yacht floating mid-sea and board her and do some partying and exploring. They find out it was a research vessel studying some weird thought-to-be extinct species of fish. And those fish, it turns out, were munching on some nuclear radiated plankton and mutated into sex-starved and blood-thirsty monsters. Hence, the empty yacht (well, empty save for one chemist suffering from massive PTSD). Do I really need to go any further with this plot summary? Well no, but I'll tell you a few cool things that happen during this "tale of a fateful trip". You get a chick spewing a gallon a radioactive sludge mixed with live creatures, a dude bursting forth with a sea monster out of his mouth and other orifices mid-coitus, tentacle play, crazy sea monster POV, and the best 80s special effects in a 90s movie this side of the original Evil Dead. Top all that off with weird-o-rama gadgetry like a woman on a small TV monitor in the bathroom that, sensually, tells you how to do everything from scrubbing your body to wiping your butt.

If all that doesn't convince you to take a dive into this deep sea world of inept film making, then you must not be as big a glutton for cinematic punishment as I thought. But, I have to say that I did enjoy this flick a lot. Mostly because there is a lot to love. The story is great, the spirit behind the movie making is definitely apparent, and the use of mostly all practical special affects is a welcome relief from the drivel shoveled at us by the likes of SyFy and The Asylum Pictures. I'd put Creatures from the Abyss up against anything that they have released in the past few years anytime. So, if you're a fan of bad Italian ripoffs or just wondering what Stuart Gordon's early 80s film school project would have looked like, take this movie for a lap around the kiddie pool! A sailor's delight be ahead of ye, laddies!

7/10

Directed by Massimiliano Cerchi (1994)

Fact about myself: My favorite seafood dish is stuffed flounder with a white wine reduction. My least favorite is gas station ceviche... tastes even worse on the way back up...blehhh!

I Dismember Mama

Father... yes son... I want to kill you........ Mother...I want to...WAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! - Jim Morrison

Mommy issues. What can I say about 'em. Anyone who's ever had a mum suffers from them to some extent. Only when you try to actually murder dear old mama, that's when you've got serious problems. And poor Albert has got serious problems.

At the start of I Dismember Mama we meet Albert (whose appearance is a cross between Richard "The Night Stalker" Ramirez and Eddie Munster). He's a young man in a mental institution who has decided it is time to fly over the cuckoo's nest and finally accomplish the unfinished task that landed him there years before. That is to murder his mother, of course. He attacks a nurse, kills an orderly and makes a break for it. His mother gets word of his escape and is taken from her mansion and into hiding (did I mention Albert's a rich little brat?). But that's too bad for mama's maid who happens to show up just as Albert is looking for the old snob. Sadist that he is, Albert torments the woman for an unsettling long time. When the deed is done, who else but little Annie shows up. Daughter of the late house maid. Oh, but Albert likes her a lot. And she grows to love Alby, too. He tells Annie that her mother fell ill and that she gave him instructions to take care of her and show her a good time while she's away, even offering to take her to Six Flags. So, the two spend the day together and get along swimmingly. There is an awkward sense of pedophilia throughout these scenes and it is only made worse when, come nightfall, Albert checks into a hotel with little Annie.

caution children: spoilers ahead

All this time there is an inept Joe Friday wannabe on the trail of Albert. And it's no help to him that Albert's mother is shacked up with some asshole who won't let her talk to the police. But, all that's just boring fluff. The real creepiness comes when Albert and Annie get "married" in a mock ceremony in the hotel suite. But then, thankfully, Albert just puts little Annie to bed and goes out looking for a hooker to consummate with. It doesn't help that Annie gets up in the middle of the night and walks in on Alby as he has just completed his whole sadistic and homicidal schtick upon the young harlot. A chase ensues and they end up in a dark and spooky mannequin warehouse (why do they always end up in those places?). And just as poor Annie is about to meet her maker at the hands of Mr. Mommy Hater, Albert lunges for her and slips out of a window plunging multiple floors to his death. Then, of-freakin-course, Joe Friday and his cavalry show up after having done zilch the whole goddam time.

I Dismember Mama is a pretty solid and dirty 70s thriller. Not for everybody, but certainly not as dirty as a flick like Last House on the Left which was made the same year. One thing the film coulda done without was the god-awful score. It's so off-putting to watch somebody get killed while car chase music straight outta Hawaii Five-0 is blaring right at ya!

So give this one a go, but only if you've resolved your mommy issues already. Don't wanna go gettin' any ideas now...

6/10

(1972) Directed by Paul Leder

Quick bit o' trivia: Little Annie was played by none other than Geri Reischl, a.k.a. the fake Jan Brady. You know, the girl who stood in as Jan when Eve Plumb flaked out on her TV family for the Brady Bunch Variety Hour.

Murder Rock

Ahhh... I love the smell of spandex, Aqua Net and sweaty ass in the morning. Yep, the 80s dance scene is alive and well again. At least when it comes to this latter-day Lucio Fulci giallo. Made on a grander budget than most of Fulci's other works.... well hell, that doesn't matter a bit because most of that budget went to hiring Keith Emerson (of Emerson Lake and Palmer fame(or ELP as we music snobs refer to 'em)) to score the picture with some of the most cheezzzey 80s dance music this side of Funky Town! So, I guess, aside from that, it's your pretty typical Fulci flick... oh but there's really no gore to be had here. So, I guess it's not your typical Fulci flick. Well anyway, here's what its about.

If you've seen movies like Fame and Flashdance then you know how competitive the world of performing arts can be. Well, this movie is a lot like that only that instead of all the trash talking and jealousy (though there is some, of course) there's someone offing the top competitors at a prestigious New York dance academy one by one. Only rather than gutting them or gouging out their eyeballs, like in any other Fulci outing, the killer chooses to just stab them slowly through the heart with a hat pin after knocking them out with chloroform. The fact that only three dancers will be picked for starring roles in a big production gives just about every young rug cutter a motive. Summon an annoying peanut-eating detective who's a ringer for Perry Mason to the case and you've got yourself a solid hour and a half of 80s Euro decadence. As a matter of course, there are red herrings and mad suspicions a plenty. And although the trip there isn't the most exciting time you'll have in a giallo, the ending does prove pretty surprising and fulfilling.

So yeah, you've got kind of a mediocre slasher here. But, if you enjoy the sights, sounds, and all the pizzazz of an 80s dance flick then I'm sure you'll totally have fun with this picture. Hey, it's not Black Swan.... heck, its no Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo either, but it's got heart and I'm sure Mr. Fulci meant well while making it (look for him in a cameo, as usual). Get out your spandex, leggings and your big chrome plated boom box playing a pink cassingle of Madonna's "Get into the Groove" before sitting down with this flick. It's a nice warm-up.

7/10

(1984) Directed by Lucio Fulci

Fact about myself: My favorite 80s dance cassingle is "Cruel Summer" by Bananarama. Idk why, but it reminds me of Italian slasher flix of the 80s... don't even ask me why b'cuz, like I said, idk.

Demon Wind

Remember how bad the 1990s were to the world of horror movies? Horrific! Oh sure, there were a few diamonds in the rough (Dead Alive, From Dusk till Dawn, um... Ghoulies IV), but overall the decade served up some really deplorable junk onto many a horror fiend's plate. However, early on there were several flicks which still had a good bit of the old 80s charm to them. Movies that weren't pretentious, didn't talk down to horror fans, didn't force you to think too much, and just wanted to show you a good time. Let's talk about one, shall we?

Demon Wind is a low budget creepfest from the very early 1990s which is surprisingly well made, for the most part.

It deals with a guy named Corey who is seeking out his mysterious ancestral past. Before he was born, Corey's father and several other family members met with horrible fates in an old farmhouse where they lived. Now, guided by visions and a burning curiosity, Corey decides to go to the abandoned farm along with a pack of friends to investigate. Upon arrival, a creepy old man (yup, big surprise), who says that he was a witness to very gruesome happenings at the old farmhouse, tells them that the place is cursed and that the Devil himself is said to possess the land. The old man advises turning back and forgetting the whole thing, but Corey insists that his fate lies within the old house.

Of course, things get bad from there onward. Without spoiling too much, they encounter demon hordes, magic spells, phantom fog, and a lot of them die very horrible deaths. And that's just the tip of the teepee really, all kinds of cool shit happens. One of them gets turned into a burned up doll by three evil-ass little ghost girls. There's a skeleton with a cow skull for a head that shoots a mean long tongue out its mouth. And the head demon is one big badass futher mucker with cloven hooves and a face like he's been through the meat grinder.

The movie's atmosphere is very dark and chilling, especially the first half. The music contributes to the mood a lot. From the haunting Christian song in the beginning to the intense synth bass score. Also, the make-up and gore effects are really great and bring to mind movies like Night of the Demons and The Evil Dead.

The film is not without its flaws, though. The visual camera effects are really cheap and schlocky. The script is pretty stupid at times, more so in the second half. Some of the acting is very shitty, but I can always live with that, although the creepy old guy hams it up like nobody's business (best character in the movie, in my opinion). And there are plot holes aplenty, not to mention what was probably a last minute change to the shooting script. This couple joins the movie more than half way through in an embarrassingly obvious attempt to pad out the body count. But hey, most of this shit is what made this flick a little more memorable.

I had a great time with it. If this review has made you even remotely curious, I know you'll have a good time, too. Taken at face value, this cheap flick is pretty entertaining. If you are a fan of stuff like the Evil Dead movies or Hellraiser, I would recommend you check it out.

(1990) Directed by Charles Philip Moore

Facts about myself:
I have an extreme revulsion to human vomit; not so much to demon vomit, though.

Cementerio del Terror a.k.a. Cemetery of Terror

Have you noticed how slasher villains are going back to their 1980s roots recently? Many a slasher pic nowadays showcases some kind of giant, indestructible killer mutant. Reminiscent of Jason or Freddy, a lot of these new slashers seem ripe for marketing endless sequels. I'm talking about movies like Hatchet, The Hills Run Red, and Midnight Movie, to name a few. A few that I've enjoyed, anyway. I don't know if these films are meant as throw-backs, but I like the wave they're riding. Of the good ol' days before Scream came along and ushered in all the post-modern self reflexive garbage of the mid-late 1990s.

Well anyway, during the classic age of the invincible slasher villain there were many, many variations, rip-offs, and cash-ins on the theme that a forty-fingered man could easily lose count. They came from all over the world and in varying degrees of ripeness. One particularly great one came from Mexico. It exhibited every over-the-top aspect about the genre and is obscure enough for me to review. It's called Cemetery of Terror.

The premise is tried and true. A group of young people break into an old and spooky abandoned house looking for nothing less than a good time. Just a night of booze, babes, boom box, and, of course, black magic. They, naturally, end up waking a dormant evil force which proceeds to terrorize and kill anyone drinking, fornicating, or trespassing in its lair.

Sound familiar yet? It should. It's been the plot to countless other horror films including Night of the Demons, The Evil Dead, and Hell Night. Now add Cemetery of Terror to the list.

I think this movie ranks up their with its contemporaries, though. It utilizes all the best techniques of a certified 80s horror gem. It's got plenty of blood and carnage, good plot, great atmosphere, and takes place on that wonderful horror movie time of the year: Halloween. The evil antagonist in this film is a superbly terrifying super-human Satanic slasher named Devlon who could easily give Michael Myers a run for his money. I don't recall Mikey selling his soul to Satan, after all. And, as if Devlon wasn't enough for you, throw in a Necronomicon-type book which summons an army of zombies into the mix. Because what good is a spooky old cemetery in a horror film if you're not going to use it?

Made for Mexican audiences and filmed in Texas,this movie is definitely worth looking into if you are a fan of all-out 80s slasher gore fun. It effortlessly compares with a lot of great American horror trash cinema classics. So bring on the booze, babes, boom box, and black magic and let's party!

(1985) Directed by Ruben Galindo Jr.

P.S.
Watch for Hugo Stiglitz as the Dr. Loomis-type character on the trail of the killer.

Facts about myself:
My favorite Hugo Stiglitz movie is Nightmare City.

The Mad Ravings and Obscure Observations of the Sun Blind Outlaw Idiot- An Introduction

Terror in the Crypt (a.k.a. Crypt of the Vampire)

In the wake of all this Twilight Saga bullshit, a lot of older and sometimes obscure vampire flicks have been re-issued. A great majority of them with new and awfully emo-goth-depressed-angst-ridden-teenager-inspired cover art.

I'm not complaining or anything, any exposure these older films get is good, but sometimes they aren't even vampire movies. A sorta funny-ass example of this marketing is this one movie originally titled Summer's Blood. It's a pretty violent and exploitative flick, heavy on the nastiness and blood. But, it features Twilight co-star Ashley Greene in the lead. So, naturally, it got renamed Summer's Moon and given a Twilight-esque cover and...voila! Traumatized teeny-boppers!

Now, this is definitely not the first time that this has happened. It's been going on for years. Just ask Bela Lugosi. Well... we're a bit too late there. So, just ask Christopher Lee. Just about any movie he starred in the 1960s thru 70s tried to market his vampire image. Like this one:

Terror in the Crypt (recently released as Crypt of the Vampire) is definitely worth a look for any fan of EuroGoth films or even just for those wanting to get a glimpse at Christopher Lee's Italian ventures.

If there is one thing that even the most low-budget of Spaghetti horrors excel in, it has got to be atmosphere. That is one thing that Terror in the Crypt does extremely well. It exudes a flair of picturesque horror and mystique enhanced all the more by its superb cinematography and eerie score.

Like so many other Gothic efforts, the story revolves around a generations-old family curse. Christopher Lee's character is a Count who fears that a witch's curse is starting to come to fruition as members of his extended family are dying one by one. A great cast of characters makes this story even more interesting. There's Laura, the Count's daughter and prime suspect in carrying out the witch's hex during her nightmare-wrought sleep. There is Laura's sultry friend Lyuba (I must note that the two hot-as-fuck starlets have great chemistry together and always look like they are on the verge of releasing years of bottled up sexual frustration in what would be a great gothic lesbian romp). There is a wise old ugly crone who tries to help Laura decipher her nightmares (no lesbian fantasies there). And there is a young historian who is brought in to try and find out as much of the family's dark history as he can in an effort to thwart the curse.

Apart from it's great atmosphere, the film is very well crafted and entertaining. I would put it in the vein of other great EuroGoth gems like Terror Creatures From the Grave, Nightmare Castle, and Bava's Kill Baby, Kill. Plus, the immortal Christopher Lee adds plenty to the picture as he always tends to do. But, like many of the other fans of this picture, I would have loved to have seen Lee chew the scenery with genre queen Barbara Steele as this is the type of film that was right up her alley.

(1964) Directed by Camillo Mastrocinque